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O.K. Here’s all the stuff you never wanted to know
about me. Of course, if you’re planning on becoming an obsessive fan/stalker, then this is just the tip of the
iceberg.(1)
I was born and raised in Sheffield, England. This is the city, most recently best known as the
location for the movie “THE FULL MONTY.” When I was there, removing all your clothes for a group of baying
women was not a viable career option.(2) If it had, there’s a distinct chance my working life could have gone
in a totally different direction.(3)
Having graduated college I worked for a small regional newspaper as a staff
writer, restaurant reviewer and weekly contest compiler(4). Following that I worked in print and advertising, writing print
copy and promotional/training videos. Around this time I also found myself relocating to the States.(5) In the
middle of writing a training video for lawyers, I realized that the best bits weren’t the training parts, chopped those
out and was left with my first short story about Lawyers in Hell(6).
Since making the move away from writing believable
and sometimes humorous lies for other people, I've written screenplays, a novel(12) and numerous short stories.
Three shorts made it to the quarter finals of the L. Ron Hubbard "Writers of the Future Contest."(9) I'm
also sweating over my second novel; developing and scripting several comic book titles; and on the screenplay front, I'm
working with a couple of production companies on a comedy and a horror movie.(10)
(1) If you're giving serious thought to becoming one
of those rabbit-boiling obsessives, can I suggest you reconsider? I mean, I’m really not that interesting and
you will likely as not spend an awful lot of time crouched in the bushes outside my house getting cold and wet, while the
squirrels in the yard try repeatedly to bury nuts in you. All you’ll have to show for your time will be a nasty
head-cold, possibly some rheumatic aches and pains and a pocketful(11) of nuts. Also, my wife is quite good at Aikido
and takes a very dim view of people hiding in her shrubbery.
(2) Well you could do it, but there was no way
you’d get paid as well. Trust me on this, no matter what they promise, the best you can hope for is that
the women will unlock the doors again and let you go, but you won’t get paid.
(3) OK, probably not.
(4) Admittedly the contest compiler part of the job was only for two hours, but that was down to a lack of column-inch
space rather than any reflection on my ability to write a cunning and well formed crossword clue.(7)
(5)
It really wasn’t a very well thought out plan, but all things considered, it didn’t turn out too badly.
(6) In fairness, this was no where near as original a concept as I thought at the time. But everybody has to
start somewhere, right?
(7) (5 letters) Lemuel Gulliver, “You have mail.”(8)
(8)
See. Told ya!
(9) So my level of failure there is at least consistent.
(10) That would
be one comedy and one horror. Seperate projects. I just didn’t think I could work a good series of gags
into a giant-mutant-spider with chainsaws for legs, eating a priest scene. You can look at the “news” page
for more info on these projects.
(11) And you’ll have gotten off lightly if your pockets are the only
place the squirrels tried to hide their winter stash.
(12) This novel is now available to buy.(13)
(13) OK, yeah, I know. I shoulda renumbered all the footnotes here to include the additional info for the novel.
Whadaya want here? I updated, didn't I? Do I come around to where you work and tell you how to do your job?
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